I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Being the analytical person that I am, I am somewhat puzzled at why I have not been able to completely curtail this behavior in myself. I can see so clearly after the fact, but when I’m “in it”—well, that is a completely different story.
Of course this phenomenon strikes many of us in various parts of our lives. Sometimes it is with our romantic relationships, sometimes with how we handle parenting our children, it could be the way that we do our jobs, and other times it is with how we act or react to our parents’ unsolicited advice for us. In all cases, however, it seems to me that it might be the illusion of control that is the driving force behind some instances of insane behavior. Or maybe it is just that we see what we want to see and ignore the rest, that is, until it jumps up and bites us in the ass. Either way, my sanity has come into question recently and I think it is time to rid myself of the old behaviors and try something new.
My marriage to a diagnosed “untreated” addict ended just a few years ago after I had “had enough.” Since we have two children together, this is not a relationship that I could merely end with no future contact. Rather, we had to find a way to communicate and co-parent to the best of our abilities. After a few years of separation and a little over a year of the finalized divorce under our belt, we have made significant progress—or so I thought. We began sharing a few minor details about our personal lives. We met for dinner a time or two when we exchanged the children. We even began to give hugs and well wishes, almost like old times when we were best friends in high school.
But then it happened. I made a mistake, one for which I did apologize, but nevertheless a mistake and now the backlash has started. He rants and raves and blames. Everything that could have or has gone wrong in the last few months is now all my fault (again). I actually used to believe this garbage! You see, I was never allowed to make mistakes. Not then, and apparently not now. He’d probably blame me for the war if one broke out today!
