A plus and a minus is that my family can be quite festive. During the holidays, the wine flows. Sometimes, we simply unwind, listen to music, and laugh about the lighter stories of our childhood. Other times, the floodgates open. The stores of comments that are easy to avoid during weekly phone calls from my city far away suddenly hit me in the face. They may be as innocent as a review of my job status or a check-in about my friends, or they may lurch deeper into darkness by probing into why my relationship does not match my parents’ template or how I need to realize my parents won’t live another ten years.
This year, I am going in armed.
Not to sound like a spineless fool, but going home and enjoying it needs a strategy. I am beyond the days of the college student who still needed to be cared for, fed, and given her childhood bedroom. I am now an adult who is living her life to the fullest, even if it’s outside the accepted value system of the South. I want to bring some of this life to my family to share. I want to keep the conversations sincere and loving and recognize when they get ugly to stop them before they go too far. I want to be able to enjoy my family without constantly feeling criticized or attacked. I want my boyfriend to get to know them a bit better, and see some enchantment amongst the ugly bits. I am hoping this is all possible, though I do admit I must have wine on hand and know when it’s time to go to bed.
It’s only a week out of my life, but the preparation and recovery feels like a year. The energy seeps out of my body at the thought of leaving my own decorated house, kissing my dog (and $500) goodbye, and waking up for my 6 a.m. departure. I know at times over the week, I will hate myself for feeling this way, and I will smile and laugh and appreciate the home I have to go to. I know, too, that there will be times I simply long to be back here, to curl up with my dog and my boyfriend, take that phone call from my home far away, give those well wishes, and save my visit for a month other than December.
