8:00 - 9:12 p.m.: An hour and twelve minutes of turmoil later, the remaining family members (currently down an average of five cran-appletinis) throw Thanksgiving dinner on the table. (This was Cousin-in-law Cindy’s first attempt at making a turkey. Not only was it rather rare, but she also failed to notice the plastic bag of giblets inside the turkey. When Uncle Larry was carving the bird, he found a simmering plastic bag of raw intestines. Yum.)
9:26 p.m.: Cousin Trish brought her new boyfriend, Danny, to dinner. Infamously boy-crazy and moral-less Cousin Sarah sat next to him at the dinner table. She sat in dangerously close proximity to Danny. He suddenly felt a hand slide up his inner thigh and down his pants. He looked over and said, “What the fuck?” Sarah said, “Oh, sorry, you had some yams on your pants.” Cousin Trish knew. She freaked out. She threw down her plate, and threw back her elbow and knocked that skank out. Then, she grabbed Danny, tears furiously running down her cheeks, and blood running down her arm, and storms out of the house. Never to be seen again. Good night, Cousin Trish and Danny.
10:21 p.m.: Grandpa can’t take all the tears. He downs four shots of Johnnie Walker Red Label. He gets in Uncle Oliver’s grill, as usual, and starts ranting about how he’s a sluggish, useless, excuse for a man. Grandma freaks out, seizes him by the love handles and throws him in the car. Grandma is partially blind, and has had about four glasses of wine. Auntie Sandy and Freddie the fiancé hop in their Range Rover and follow the oldies. Never to be seen again. Good night, Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Sandy, and Freddie the fiancé.
10:30 p.m.–11:00 p.m.: Most of the family realizes that the gig is up, their unwelcome invite has expired and they pack up and head home. A few drunken stragglers linger behind.
11:13 p.m.: Recently divorced Cousin Tina pops in her wedding video, plonks in front of the TV, and howls like a werewolf. Auntie Betsy and Cousin Jenny emerge from the nursery, throw Tina in the car and drive away. Oh, yeah, before Betsy left, she got two inches from Jimmy’s face and hissed, “As long as I live, I will never set foot in this house again.” Good night, Auntie Rosie and Cousins Tina and Jenny.
