Luckily the storm of an extended family is easier to bear when you have a lifeboat. My husband, daughter, and tight circle of friends buffered me from the tensions that a family collections over the years and doles out to all members, no matter how long they have technically been with the clan. I learned new things about this group of people, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who I had so much in common with even though we lacked a personal history. Genetics really covers many bases.
Most of all, my daughter got a grandpa, a gay, grumpy one, but a grandpa nonetheless. A grandpa who sought to please her little girl whimsies and pass on cool tricks to. My husband found a father-in-law to joke with and build things with. And I found a father. A man who looked so much like me that when I saw a picture of him in cocktail dress and wig I proclaimed, Wow those are my legs! But I also found the man who left my mother citing her unwillingness to have an open marriage as the excuse, not his choice for male lovers over her. A man who chose to not pay child support in exchange for never seeing me again. A man who asks a brother-in-law to give him a ride the day his sister is in the hospital for a double mastectomy. A man who offered to have his mother move in with him because he wanted the down payment for a new home. A man who made his granddaughter a storybook dress that she wore for three months straight. A man who helped me build a desk to write on in a quiet room. I struggle with contradiction.
Now I hold this mixed bag of my life. On one hand, I think cut and run. On the other hand, I think—learn from this. Protect yourself, but grow. Love. Maybe trust. But as each new complication in our life develops I am left to wonder how to tackle this relationship? How to trust an unproven parent?
