All dates are now fixed, including the engagement and the wedding. After they get engaged, this is absolutely no restriction on the couple in terms of communication or going out. Pre-marital sex is of course a no-no. (Although sometimes if the couple is really comfortable, they get into high school mode with the sneaking out, or weekend getaways with “friends.”) If either the man or the woman is not comfortable with the other, this is the stage to call it off. With immediate effect.
For the Gen Y and beyond, the idea is (in words I have heard to describe this ... arrangement) “sick,” “disgusting,” “Neanderthal,” “gross,” and in my opinion, presumptuous. For us, it’s probably a most basic right. If I can choose my own clothes, my own career, my car, buy my own house, I will but naturally think that choosing my own spouse is part of the flow. But as many parents I have heard say, “Well, we choose your school, guide what you do in college, we know you best.” And the clincher which would make even slightly non-stubborn children melt, “We are your parents. We want the best for you.” Of course! In more traditional communities, where a marriage is considered a union of families, an arranged marriage is seen as a necessity to guarantee that “perfect fit” (be it size of the family, family structure—joint or nuclear, values and attitudes, and the most important—economic status of the family). It’s almost like looking for a job. No pay, working hours 24/7, one time contract.
But surprisingly, not ALL post 70s born Indians would agree with me here. One of my classmates, again, a smart, well-educated, hardworking guy, who has seen quite a few facets of life, admits in our HR 201 class, “I don’t want my wife to work” (but she had to be smart, intelligent and educated, else they wouldn’t be compatible). This seemingly chauvinistic statement was met by shock and outrage, especially among the women of the class. Since this man was a dear friend, I almost nonchalantly asked, “But where are you going to find a woman like that?” A simple solution, “Oh, I don’t need to find, my mom will find the girl for me.” Wow. An easy solution to THAT, if there ever was any.
Today, matrimonial websites have sprung up by the dozen. The same procedure as above is followed in this case, except that the “mining” of the prospective bride/groom is done via the big, useful world of the internet. There are even language-specific and community specific websites like tamilmatrimony.com, hindimatrimony.com, kayastshaadi.com, and infinite others. It strikes me as really bizarre that someone relatively a stranger is more accepted just because the marriage is arranged, rather than a partner that your child has chosen to be with, despite being very acutely aware of all the differences between them. In a society where even to this day, sometimes spouses are not “accepted” if the parents haven’t had a say in their being a part of the family, or where children are “turned away” from home if they marry outside the community, or in very, very rare cases they are sought out and bodily harmed, it makes me wonder what priority the happiness and contentment of the child lie.
