I could not be happier to be marrying this man. I never thought that I would fall in love, much less get married. I never dreamt of a white dress as a little girl, and until he proposed, marriage didn’t cross my mind.
Our wedding is in seventeen days. I don’t want to go to my own wedding. Is this normal?
Please let me explain. I cannot wait to be married to this man. I really truly can’t wait. It’s the whole show of the wedding that I can’t stand. At first it was kind of fun, picking out a dress, picking out flowers, but I felt like I was masquerading as a bride the entire time. Now I feel like I have to pretend to be excited about my wedding day. And that feels wrong. I feel like a liar. A dirty rotten liar.
I feel like this wedding is for so many people other than he and I, we are really just figure-heads at the altar. It’s for our parents. It’s for our friends. But it isn’t for us. I try to tell him this, but the hurt in his eyes is too much for me to see. If I could verbalize it correctly, he would know that there is not a doubt in my mind that he is the man I want to marry. But it comes out sounding like I am afraid to marry him. I’m not. I’m afraid to marry him in a wedding that is all about the show and not about the marriage. I am afraid to be up there in front of everyone and be a hypocrite in my own eyes.
I am too proud to admit it to anyone but him. I am too weak to admit it to anyone but him. He tells me that if I want to, we will go to the courthouse right now, but I don’t want to. I think. I think I want to give everyone the wedding they deserve.
The truth about this bride is, she doesn’t want to be a bride. She wants to be his wife, but not his bride. Weddings are beautiful when they are someone else’s.
