Right now, a large problem is looming over my house. A massive dilemma. You see, my husband, Adam, has recently started making false accusations about me. He claims that I’ve been snoring.
I, of course, refuse to believe that I have been doing any such thing. Mostly because I’ve never heard myself snore, and I do not think that I am capable of the sounds he does to impersonate the alleged snoring. I will own up to the fact that I sometimes drool in my sleep, because I do sometimes wake up drowning in a puddle I formed myself. But snoring, no way.
I refuse to believe that while sleeping I make sounds like a braying donkey or even a train chugging along at full speed. Yet every morning Adam feels the need to give me a replay of what the (rumored) snoring sounded like the night before.
“Do you know what you sounded like last night?” he’ll ask, as if I really believe that I snore.
“No, I don’t want to know, because I don’t snore. Additionally, I’m not sure why you keep making these false accusations. I do not snore. You’re being silly.”
“Well, you do snore, and it sounds like this-BWAAA BWAAAAA. Sort of like a car honking its horn or two cats doing the nasty.”
“Um, no. No, I did not sound like that, because I don’t snore. This snoring is merely a figment of your imagination. You might even need to get that checked on. After all, it isn’t nice to go around and falsely accuse people of things. Especially accusations of false snoring directed toward the person the washes your underwear. I’ll cut holes in them if you keep this up.”
He rolls his eyes at me, because he is strangely tolerant of my various annoying behaviors, and then waltzes around the room taunting with the (rumored) sounds that I made the night before.
“BWAAAA. UHHHH. BWAAAA.”
The most annoying part of these accusations, which I can only assume are actually part of a comedic routine, is that in order to keep up the act he has to add special features. Like waking me up every night and claiming that I am snoring too loudly. I’ll be in the midst of sleep and feel him shaking me and telling me that I’m snoring at some (rumored) ridiculous volume. This gets irksome, particularly when he does it every single night.
How I can be waking him up with my loud snoring if I don’t do it in the first place? Impossible, I say. Impossible.
And so, I think I’m being falsely accused. After all, if I learned anything from the justice system it is this: “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” And the snoring glove certainly does not fit.
And so I ask: do you snore?
