I’ve learned a secret about what’s going on 99 percent of the time when someone is not giving you the respect, admiration, or love you want. It’s a secret that probably not in one in 1,000 people will ever figure out on his or her own.
Think about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work. Didn’t at least part of your distress stem from the fact that you had no idea why this person wasn’t responding to you?
I think the reason why we don’t figure out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it’s the opposite of what we’ve been taught about relationships.
Let me explain …
Most of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful, and giving. These are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them. In my view, these qualities enhance all relationships.
However, they are usually not the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people who are withholding it from you.
The Circle
In Stop Your Divorce, Homer MacDonald explains the metaphor of the circle. Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you’re seeking appreciation from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.
Here’s how the circle works. Whenever you are inside another person’s circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or love for you. In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you. Whenever you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you.
The key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or her circle. The circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your co-workers, and your children.
