Hold My Hand

I was just listening to people on TV talk about defining moments in life and in relationships and I couldn’t help but think about me and Myles. There are times where in my head I think I am wavering on how I feel or how I think things will turn out. I waver on what I think I should do and who it would be best for. Then one of those defining moments will happen for me. I remember two from out last visit just a few weeks ago.

The first was when we were driving to Griggs on Saturday afternoon. There was no conversation, just listening to the radio and enjoying the fresh air. Neither of us felt too great and we were just trying to jump start our bodies by playing some frisbee golf and having fun. We stopped for the red light before turning onto Riverside and he reached over and held my hand. Not a word was spoken, not even a look was exchanged, but in that moment I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. He had no idea how nervous I was anticipating trying to play that game as bad as I felt. How hard it is for me at times playing with him since he is so good at it and I am so NOT. I needed that gesture more than either one of us could have ever known and maybe he did too. That one little thing just made me feel so warm and safe and sure. I bet he has no idea.

The other was on Sunday morning when he was leaving. I was still lying there in bed, trying not to think about the fact that I had to drive back that day. That I would have to leave him and not know when or if I would see him again. Just before he walked down the stairs he peeked his smiling face back in the room and looked at me with a soft smile and blew me a kiss. He had never done that before and in many ways it was a bit out of character for him, but at that moment it was exactly what I needed. It reaffirmed in my mind that the man I had spent the night sleeping next to and who was touching me and holding onto me all night long was as caring and loving as I’ve always known him to be. That it wasn’t all an act or some fantasy in my head; it was real. And it was the last time I saw him.

Those are only the latest defining moments in our relationship that now covers years of many. I could probably list pages of those times. Unfortunately we just don’t seem to be able to find the happy ending that the people on TV found. The ones who spawned me writing this entry and caused all my recollecting this morning. I’m trying very hard this morning to stay positive and keep thinking that if we were meant to be then we will be one day. But the horrible glass half empty side of me that has had nothing but disappointments for the last few years says I am only fooling myself and setting myself up for failure. I’ve made us both hold on to end up with nothing in the end but heartache.