If swinging does, in fact, make for happier marriages, it does so by allowing people to ignore problems in their marriage. It takes the work out of keeping a long-term relationship exciting, and I’m not just talking about sex.
Anything you do over and over again for a long time can become dull. Since being married is more or less exactly that, it takes work to keep romance alive. As a psychologist, the thing that drives me bonkers is the vast number of couples who refuse to accept this. They have bought into a lie—told to them by everything from fairy tales to romantic comedies—that love and intimacy should be spontaneous and natural. If two people are meant to be together, their love life will remain vital and fun for years. Working hard to keep the home fires burning won’t be necessary.
What a load of crap.
Imagine what would happen if you didn’t pay your power bill. Or feed the dog. Or go to the grocery store. Or replace the toilet paper. Your life would start to fall apart. Romance and sex are no different. You have to pay constant attention to each other’s intimacy needs. You also have to remember that these needs change with time.
Your husband wants you to start swinging because he thinks it will spice up your relationship. Not only is this a lazy way to go about it, things can get mucked up fast and easy. Sex creates feelings of intimacy even when there is no emotional or relational basis for those feelings. If the two of you start having “recreational” sex with other people, there’s a chance one of you could feel a connection with someone else who threatens your marriage. Insecurities can arise when you imagine your husband preferring sex with another woman. And I’m just scratching the surface of the potential problems. Despite the fact that many swingers have healthy marriages, such a lifestyle is fraught with emotional and relational pitfalls.
Having a more exciting sex life is easy for most couples who are willing to work at it. You just have to communicate and be willing to experiment. Buy a copy of the Kama Sutra and have a ball. Get creative and make an active, exciting sex life a priority.
