Just to make it clear. I hate this. I hate the not talking. The being side-by-side, commuting on the bus and not touching. I hate the walking away from each other without a word. You looked back slightly to see where I was this morning as you went to your train and I went to mine. It made me sad. You had proceeded to walk a few steps in front of me the entire way from the bus to the subway. I could tell you wanted me to do something to show you that I was keeping up. Staying with you. I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to play games. This isn’t a game to me.
All I hear is what you said to me. You aren’t sure you want to marry me. You should have left me a long time ago. If it weren’t for the mortgage making things difficult now, you could leave me a lot easier now. I can tell that you want me to talk to you. To fight for us. To make it easy for you. To tell you how to think, how to believe again. You want to be shown the way again. I’m to make it right by all my talking. The same talking that you described as annoying with me as a gnat that you just want to swat away is what you crave right now to make sense of what you are feeling.
I feel for you. I know that you are in a turmoil that is probably worse than mine. You are unsure. Confused and scared. But I need to think of me now. I don’t know what will be gained by me making things right again. Showing you how to think. I don’t see how this can get better. I don’t want to do the same old cycle another few months down the road. I don’t want to agree to just postpone the wedding because you haven’t figured out how to mature yet. There is no going back for me. We were engaged. We had a designer making the rings. We spoke to a caterer. It is not a matter of just postponing all of that, no matter how simple it is to push back the date. It isn’t the wedding that I’m worried about. It’s the marriage. I was ready for it. I was longing for it. I don’t think you will get to a point that I will feel safe and secure in a marriage. I want to think I’m wrong. But, when will this cycle of fear end? You embrace love, are positive, and move towards it and then you cower from it, slap it away, and condemn it.
