After thirty-two years of marriage, my husband decided he did not want to be married anymore. Unbeknownst to me, he had a girlfriend. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. It has been six months and I still am not over it. I think it is the betrayal of trust that is the hardest to accept and the fact that I really didn’t know who I was married to for all those years. Or if I did, how can someone change so much in such a short time? I feel totally rejected, unlovable, undesirable, and worthless. It is a horrible feeling.
Some days are worse than others. I go through several weeks of feeling okay and that I will come out a better person, and then something will happen or come to my attention that sets off all the inadequate feelings. Then I just cry and cry. It is really pitiful. I am getting sick of myself. My friends are also friends of my ex husbands and that is a hard situation too. To make matters worse, my husband feels he has to convince everyone that we were unhappy for years so they will think he is justified in his decision. Most people know better and the majority tells me I put up with a lot of crap for a very long time. I try to keep this in mind when I feel bad. I think because I hear about all of his escapades with his girlfriend it makes me feel very lonely and alone.
I tried the internet dating thing. I actually emailed with a man for two months before we decided to meet. I really thought we had a good time and I was feeling optimistic but then I never heard from him again. So what came back with a vengeance? Well the negative feelings about myself, of course. Those are very hard to fight and it is a struggle everyday. In my head I know I am a worthwhile person, but does it take someone else’s approval to make it so?
