Victimhood: The Curse of Divorce

Feeling or labeling yourself a victim of your divorce is one of the most disastrous moves you can make that will prevent you from moving forward into a new life. Victimhood renders you powerless. To create a new life after your divorce takes a person who is fully responsible for their past, present and future. Being responsible means having control over one’s life and that is what it takes to both recover from the emotional wounds of a divorce as well as plan for your new life.

If you consider yourself a victim then you believe that you had little to do with what happened to you. You take no responsibility. The responsibility is someone else’s and that leaves you with no power. Victims blame someone else. Blame absolves them of their part in the dissolution of their marriage. Blame keeps them stuck in the pain of the past and their divorce.

It is so much easier to place blame on someone else then accept personal responsibility. The fact is that two people inhabit all marriages. Those two people are co-creators of their marriage and their divorce. Even if one of the partners was unfaithful or a liar, there are always signs along the way that we either refused to see or to acknowledge. If we are in denial about all the warning signs along the way, we can only look to ourselves for lack of some responsible action.

Blame leads to resentment. Resentment consumes our mind chatter. We spend far too many hours ruminating about all the things that our ex has done or continues to do to us. We resent their new life and our lack of one. Consider the amount of time wasted being in resentment? Exactly who suffers? The answer of course is clear: you. You are the one who is angry, sad, bitter and unhappy, not your ex. Your blame and resentment, along with your regrets, are like poison in your system. It completely immobilizes you.

How do we overcome these feelings of victimhood? Here are some suggestions:

1.What is the truth of your marriage? If we are completely honest and courageous, we will have begun to recognize that indeed, we played an integral part in our marriage and divorce. All too often, we interpret events and situations in our marriage and believe them to be the truth. For instance, my husband was cheating and lied to me about it. I interpret that to mean that I am no longer desirable, that I failed as a wife. I live in my marriage as if that is a cold, hard fact. It is not. The fact is he cheated. Period. That fact could mean a hundred different things. Stick to the facts.

2. Where am I responsible? What were the warning signs along the way that I refused to acknowledge? Where was I in denial?  Where was I an enabler? For example, I know a woman who was completely surprised when her husband left her. She went on to tell me that she always gave him total freedom to do whatever he wanted: trips that lasted a month at a time and little or no responsibility in rearing their children are just a couple of items on the list. She handled it all. Translation: she was an enabler and gave him the rope that was needed to strangle the marriage. Acknowledge where you didn’t do what you needed to do. Accept responsibility. Responsibility if empowerment.

3. Exactly what are you resisting? Why can’t you see the truth and accept responsibility?  Why do you suppose you cannot accept the reality of your Life as it is now? These are questions that must be addressed. What do you gain by remaining a victim? Are you afraid of facing the truth? Are you living in what you think should be versus what is? Do you enjoy being a victim? Do you like the fact that being a victim absolves you of any responsibility and therefore any positive action?