Newborns Tell Their Birth Stories, If You Listen

We live in a fast food, fear-based, instant gratification society; as a consequence, many mothers are induced before their due date or during labor to get the baby out quickly. They are encouraged to get an epidural, terrorized by the stories of unbearable pain during labor, and once that baby is born, parents are taught to quickly shush and soothe a crying baby because a baby cry needs to be “fixed.”

In my work as a postpartum doula, I notice that sometimes when babies cry they just need to tell you something. Of course I encourage to always attend to a baby crying. In fact, I am not a big supporter of anyone who tells you to let you baby cry to self-soothe or sleep on her own. But when I respond to a baby who is crying instead of shushing or bouncing him on a ball to quickly quiet him, I rather approach the crib, or chair and simply empathize. I say something like, “I hear you, I am here, tell me more. Did you wake up scared?” “You seem very upset. Tell me how you feel.” Invariably the baby hearing and feeling empathy calms down even before I pick him up and the cry changes its pitch and quality. Sometimes I envision the baby saying to himself, “Wow finally someone is listening!”

By empathizing, we give respect and acknowledgement to the baby’s feelings. Sometimes babies cry when they want to tell you the stories of their birth, or they want to tell you they just had a scary dream. Maybe they just want to let you know that when they fall asleep on your breast and then wake up in the crib alone, they get scared. Picking up a baby who cries using words such as, “Don’t cry, there is nothing wrong. Shushhhh,” is denying his feelings. Think about it, how would you feel if your loved one used these words when you were crying? Of course sometimes babies are simply hungry, have a dirty diaper, are overtired, or need to be burped, but once you have checked that their bodily needs are met, allow them to tell you their thoughts and feelings. If this crying happens in the middle of the night it is ok to give yourself a time limit; you can tell your child, “I hear you, I’ll listen to what you have to say for awhile, then we’ll go back to sleep.” After you have allowed the baby to express himself, go ahead and use the gentle shushing, swaddling, and all the other techniques to help your baby go back to sleep.

Remember that as much as your child has a right to his feelings, so do you. It is okay to tell your baby: “When you cry, I also feel frustrated because I wish I could understand you better.” But, beware of boundaries, one thing is empathizing; another is crying with him. When you answer to a baby cry (as the wonderful book CALMS by Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa suggests), first check in with yourself and settle your feelings, only then can you truly help another.

The second Basic Human Right is the right to feel. We have a right to our feelings, and we hope that those around us will allow us to express them and empathize. Your baby is not different.