Give It Up
You never offer to take out the trash? Guess I’ll toss all your Fantasy Football ledgers in the recycling bin! You want to watch sports when I’m feeling frisky? Good luck getting any action later! Such is the wrath of a mom who feels undervalued or taken for granted by dad. Of course, “Operation Retribution” doesn’t ever have the desired effect: Dad just ends up feeling undervalued himself (and even less likely to take out the trash). Instead of withholding, why not give what you wish to receive? In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle offers, “Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world,” and I think he’s on to something. Treat dad with the love, compassion, and consideration that you crave, and watch how his behavior transforms. I see an empty trash can in your future.
No Mind-Reading
Moms get pretty indignant about what dad is “supposed to do” because “he’s just supposed to know.” We expend a lot of energy setting up expectations, not communicating them clearly, and then being disappointed and angry when things don’t get done the way we imagined them. The fix? No more mind-reading. Communicate your needs clearly, specifically, and in a non-confrontational manner. Any energy wasted on berating him about what “he’s supposed to know without you having to tell him” is just wasted energy, and just contributes to a feeling of hopelessness. (How can I do it well if I don’t know what “it” is?!) Mind-reading is not a necessary skill for parent partnership. Tell dad what you need without attacking him, and he’ll dive in willingly to help.
Surrender
Mom needs help with kid. Dad is available, qualified, and loves aforementioned kid. Only one problem: he does things completely differently, and sometimes (gasp!) not as well as her. Wait, is that a problem? Dads have a unique role to play in your children’s lives; they’re not out to win the “I do it just like mom” award. So as hard as it might be, it’s critical to really surrender control. And it doesn’t count if you ask him to do something and then later report on the seventeen ways he did it wrong! Even if you’re certain that you’re the master diaper-changer, dinner-maker, or bedtime-storyteller, depriving dad of his own experience means depriving your children of all dad has to offer. So, if the diapers get put on backwards? Surrender. Dinner is take-out? Surrender. Bedtime is an hour late so that they can “camp” under a makeshift tent with flashlights. Surren—wait, that’s just adorable! (See?)
Best Laid Plans
“People with goals succeed because they know where they’re going.” Good for a motivational poster, and good for your relationship. The more you can plan, set goals, strategize, map out, anticipate … anything to make life a little more predictable and a little less chaotic. Planning means that dad’s your co-conspirator. You work together, and the day builds from your initial joint intention. He’s involved, you’re supported, and do I smell some bonding? An it’s nonsense that planning squelches spontaneity, it’s just the opposite: Once you have a plan, you have the freedom to relax into it (help each other pay the bills) or to deviate (post-bedtime game of naked Twister). Planning never looked so good.
