On any given Sunday, you can find my family packing for a trip to the beach. Well, that’s not entirely accurate: my kids and husband are getting dressed, and I am running around in my pajamas, throwing towels and hats into our beach bags, packing snacks, and bottles of water, making sure everyone has extra underwear. Recently, on one such Sunday morning, I was getting increasingly upset as I ran frantically around the house. Why was I the only one packing? The kids were sluggish, and I couldn’t find their flip-flops. Why wasn’t dad helping? When dad did appear, he announced that he and the kids would get in the car and wait for me “to finish getting ready.” I was left to put all the bags together, grab the sand toys from the garage, and I’m pretty sure I forgot to brush my teeth. When I got in the car, everyone was excited for the beach, and I was fuming. And then, dad had a seemingly innocent question:
“Honey, did you remember to bring the sunscreen?”
Well, that’s all it took for me to unleash my fury on his poor unsuspecting soul. In hushed tones, (lest the kids hear their mother lose her marbles) I laid into him, and think I could actually see his heart sink in his chest. However, somewhere in between “I am not everyone’s servant!” and “You don’t appreciate anything I do!” it occurred to me that I never once asked him for help, or told him what I needed. He’s a wonderful, capable partner: I should have been clear about what needed to be done instead of taking it all on and then being Martyr Mom. In short, I broke every rule in Dad Management.
Poor dad. He’s such an easy target. But a lot of times it’s mom’s inadequate communication and planning skills that cause the problems for which he takes the blame. This father’s day (another beach day), I’m going to skip the necktie and give dad what he deserves: a partner who communicates with him clearly and effectively, and who shows him consideration and kindness. No more Martyr Mom: follow the tips below and you’ll be five steps closer to a promotion in Dad Management.
Whole Dad
Dads each do their thing in their own unique way. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and unique core values that inform who they are as parents—just like someone else you know. (Hint: you!) It’s easy to find fault with the one who resides in your house by comparing him to other dads, real or imaginary. (Even fictional movie dads can make us knock the real, live ones.) It’s easy, because it’s what we moms do to ourselves. (I should make my kids eat more veggies like that mom … I shouldn’t let my kids watch television like that mom … Why can’t I lose my baby fat like that mom?) Yet all these comparisons do is set dad up for failure, which disenfranchises him and disappoints you. What would your relationship be like if you could just accept him exactly as he is, valuing the Whole Dad? If you release all your expectations of dad and really honor what he brings to your family, he will be encouraged to bring more of himself. That means more involvement, more attentiveness, more of everything you love about him.
