I once heard someone say that they envied the will power of the anorexic. I’m here to tell you that it is not will power that motivates the anorexic. It is fear. Fear of a lot of things. Fear of being overweight, sure, but also fear of being lonely, fear of being judged, fear of never feeling the happiness you see in others.
It starts as just a little thought. “I wonder if I would feel better if I were thinner?” Then it becomes a nagging thought. We have all felt it at some point of another. I started to feel it at seventeen. I thought, If I can just lose five pounds, then I’ll be happy. But after the high of the five pound loss comes, the nagging thoughts return.
“Hmm … maybe five more pounds, then I’ll be happy!” But once again, the happiness faded. The only thing I can think to compare it to is the high shoppers get from a big purchase. A new television, a new purse, those expensive shoes. At first you gush about how much you love them, but soon you are flipping through catalogs and window shopping.
It is an addiction. If you have felt what I have felt then you know it is. It is an addiction motivated by fear.
The pounds came off, but the happiness was still just out of reach. The harder I tried the less I was satisfied with what I felt and what I saw. I used to read books about overcoming eating disorders, not to overcome mine, but to glean from them how they lost weight. For months and years I felt like I was falling just short of the happiness so craved. What I didn’t see was the damage I was doing. Not just to my body, which was deteriorating rapidly, but also to my spirit.
Who was this sad woman who refused to do anything outside of her set schedule? What happened to the carefree girl who used to change her mind at the drop of a hat? I could not break from my routine or something bad might happen. If I wasn’t home at 7:00 to eat my bowl of grapes, then I might accidentally slip and eat something else and then where would I be? What would happen if I exceeded my limit of 500 calories a day? Who would love me then? Who could love me then?
