I’m always beating my head against the same brick wall over and over again. Even though I know it is not going anywhere, I continue running straight for it and WHAM fall back down. I tell myself, “Morgan, you can’t keep drinking like this!” It’s almost like I traded my eating disorder in for alcoholism. If I would stop drinking MAYBE I would loose some f***ing WEIGHT, considering I waste all my calories on alcohol. When I drink I forget about my insecurities and my flaws … hell, I begin to love my body! At times a little too much. Yeah, I’ve become THAT girl who likes to take her clothes off in front of her girlfriends and ask, “Do you think I am fat?” This is so embarrassing to me, and my poor husband OMG, he is probably so tired of me doing this. I flirt more and I dance very provocative enjoying my curves and womanly shape that exudes sexuality. Obviously I realize most people, women usually, let down their “hair” so to speak when they get tipsy.
So mad at me!
Alcoholism … hmmm … I don’t drink during the day … unless it is a social thing … never drink by myself (maybe a beer) … doesn’t mess with my work … I have at least two to three drinks a night!
When we go to a party, or function … I get wasted 75 percent of the time. I feel more comfortable in my skin after a few drinks.
Then I cry because I can’t seem to loose weight, dumb, dumb, alcohol is sugar … turns into FAT …
Wow I am rambling this morning, sorry for the attitude! I just needed to get it out, I can’t really admit it to anyone else for fear of judgment and ridicule … shear embarrassment!
Today is a new day and after the hangover I suffered from yesterday I and going to make a difference … no more absinth (a trick shot, thanks to a friend that happened to be moonshine YUCK) for me, maybe that’s why I rolled on the grass in my own puke! Yeah embarrassing I know, had to go get my car the next day and realize I not only took my clothes off again, but I rolled in my own puke. VERY SEXY!
Maybe just maybe, I will STOP hitting this wall!
The Same Brick Wall
By: Morgan (View Profile)
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Morgan, stop beating yourself up!!! You're allowed to be human, to mess up sometimes. Be good to yourself, practice being good to yourself. When you're about to be harsh on yourself, fight yourself in your mind. For ex: Sara: "I look so ugly today!!! I would look a lot better and be more lovable to others if I stopped eating those chocolate muffins" Sara challenging her own negative self talk: "Ok, so I'm not in perfect shape. Some times I'm in better shape, and sometimes I'm in worse. Life has it's seasons, and that's ok. I'm lovable and worthy of love even if I'm a little heavier. I matter and have worth and it's not based on what I do or how I look". Go to AA. Stop asking for perfection for yourself. You don't have to be perfect to be loved, to matter. You matter just how you are. You are beautiful just how you are. You don't have to accept other people's measuring sticks. Go to AA for yourself, not anyone else. Do it as an act of loving yourself. You matter.
Hi Morgan, Have you gone to an AA meeting? Google "Alcoholic Anonymous" and find a local meeting in your area. They have "closed" meetings too, open only to those trying to do something about a drinking problem. You don't have to tell others about it if you don't want, but overcoming a drinking problem is not something people can usually do without a support group. AA is a good group. They won't judge you, and they'll help you get a system in place to help you get your life back the way you want. When you're ready, it's there for you. Both my parents in law drank most of their adult life. My father in law totaled two cars in a year and got a warrant for his arrest for a hit and run he did while innebriated. He used to be a high producing, respectable businessman, but alcohol became a bigger and bigger problem for him. Now, after many years of hard word, he has nothing. He can't get a job because of his warrant, has no savings, and is 63 years old. It ruined his life. :(
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