Before I start journaling my experience, I feel the need to explain my motives for sharing my story. First and foremost, I believe writing about my Mom’s death will be much needed therapy. Second, I would love to find anyone that I can relate to that has gone through something similar because in ten years, I have yet to find that. And on the other side of that, I would hope that someone going through something similar would find some comfort or insight in my story.
May 9, 1998—I’m fairly certain I did not wake up this morning thinking that this was my Mother’s last day. My plan when I woke up that morning was to drive to Kirksville, Missouri for a friend’s graduation. After thinking about it for a few hours, I decided not to make the trip. I have always been so thankful that I did not to go, and I believe a higher power led me to that decision. Sometimes it still turns my stomach to think what would have happened if I had gone. In addition, my brother Ned was only in town for the weekend from college. I truly feel that my Mom waited for us all to be home. At this point, she had been suffering for a long time.
I remember some details of the day, like the fight I had with my brother about taking my car. I remember my mom telling me to just let him use it for awhile, but I was adamant that he would not because I was still mad that he had wrecked the Jeep Cherokee that we had shared. I still regret this most, my stubbornness on her last day. I also remember that she stayed in bed all day, saying that she wanted to rest for Mother’s Day, which was the next day. We were planning to have our entire family over for a party. I also remember that someone had visited her that day, but I don’t remember who.
I believe that in my subconscious, I knew my mom was going to die. She never really came out and said it, but I must have known. I have convinced myself of that, but why did I go about with my life that day? Was I that selfish, or was this thought buried so deep in me that I couldn’t find it? I don’t have the answer and probably never will. I believe that had this thought been on the surface, I would have done a lot differently on this day. For that matter, I would have done a lot differently in my life up to this point had I REALLY known.
So, I went about my business, went to my friend’s party that night. When I got home later, I called my boyfriend, Phil (who is now my husband). Phil and I had just recently said “I love you” to each other and in this part of my life, I was extremely happy. We were in that “new love” stage. I don’t remember our conversation, but I’m sure it was mushy. Someone picked up the phone and I said in a sing-song voice, “I’m on the phone.” My dad replied, “Julie, I have to call the doctor. Something’s wrong with your mom.” I hung up and ran to the room, not prepared at all for what was about to happen.
