“So I’ve realized I’m going to have to figure this all out on my own. No one seems to understand the true extent of my pain, shit, I don’t even understand it. I don’t want your sympathy, I’d rather not bother you with my list of things gone wrong, but I long for someone who gets me and understands. Someone to erase my pain, wash the sour taste from my mouth, and relieve me of this weight baring down on my every move. The fire I have always had inside has gone out and this lovely little life I live ain’t so lovely right now. (I’ll get over it someday … come on brother man, show me some light but only when the time is right.)”
I wrote this journal entry on June 18, 2007, one month after my brother passed away. I don’t recognize that sad little girl anymore; I am truly amazed at how much my life has transformed since then. I embrace everyday with optimism; I cherish the time I have here. I live my life with love in my heart and a smile on my face. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no super woman—just a twenty-year-old college student with minimal responsibility and a minimum wage paycheck. (If you remember your college days or are experiencing them as we speak (or type), then you are familiar with the freeness of it all.)
I am unsure, oversensitive, and have the attention span of a four-year-old. I am still working through my karma to say the least, but the transformation of my life has been a wonderful ride, one filled with seeking out mysteries, renewing faith, and lots and lots of love. Although I will always miss my brother—we experienced life together, and I now understand that his passing was meant to liberate my spirit, not suppress it. This was all a matter of choice; it was my decision as to which direction I would travel.
I remember my childhood well, when life was set in different shades of mystery, excitement, and above all else, love—love for humanity, love for the stranger down the street and the crazy cat lady next door, love for every blade of grass beneath my mud covered toes, for the magical birds and butterflies swirling through the air and the furry creatures cocooned in mother earth. I was in love with life as a child, and that’s all I needed to be happy.
