The leaves are crisp and the air is chilly. That can only mean one thing: me, tugging furiously at the zipper on a pair of beautiful, buttery-leather boots, cursing loud enough for all of Macy’s/Nieman’s/Saks to hear as I try to zip them over my (apparently ginormous) calves.
You see, I’m one of those unlucky women born with large shanks. A shank, in case you’re wondering, is what some boot manufacturers call a calf, generally when that calf is too big to fit into a pair of their pretty zip-up boots. I’d never given a lot of thought to my shanks until one sad day in 1997, when a gum-popping salesgirl watched as I struggled to zip up a pair of gorgeous boots over my over my special needs calves—er, shanks.
“Girrrrl, you got some big ol’ shanks! They’re too big for those boots! You need pull-ups.” Oh. My. God. Pull-ups? Everybody knows pull-up boots are the fashion equivalent to elastic waistbands!
And so it went. For the next ten years, I suffered through an untold number of mediocre pleather pull-up boots. Occasionally, I’d dare to dream, temporarily forgetting the humiliation of my ogre-like shanks. One day, after losing fifteen pounds, I strolled confidently into Banana Republic and asked to see a size ten in a pair of sumptuous camel suede boots. Surely my calves had reaped a few of the benefits of my new and improved leaner body? The salesman stared at me with folded arms and pursed lips as I yanked on the zipper, willing it to go up, working up a sweat, and getting more embarrassed by the second. He looked around as if he were about to tell me a secret, then leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “We have larger sizes available in our online store.” That was the last time I entertained the idea of hope.
Until recently, that is. I figure if legwarmers can make a comeback, surely to goodness there’s hope for a boot with a tad bit more leather, right? I decided it was time to troll the Internet for a pair of boots man enough to handle my calves. But first, I needed to measure my calves to see what I was up against.
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