The Ambivalent Vacation

Why can’t I take a vacation without taking work with me?

This is a question I’ve contemplated seriously since I returned from my most recent week away.

When I taught at Yale, I felt a crushing sense of obligation to my work but never much excitement. I packed my laptop, journal articles, and the most recent draft of my manuscript to satisfy the throbbing “should” that ruled my life. Those things weighed down my suitcase in the same way that my relationship to my job weighed down my life.

But I’m a writer now. My work invigorates me even on days when it is hard. My manuscript is finished—“The Black Girl Next Door” is in production and will be released in January.

Shouldn’t I know and do differently now?

True, I carried much less stuff on this trip—a laptop, a few pages of the new project, some business materials I wanted to read. I barely opened my workbag. When my inner voice told me to release and enjoy the time away, I didn’t argue. I honored that voice and shutdown my computer.

I’m finding that claiming the freedom I’ve struggled so long to achieve, like everything else, is a process.

I can see now the work I bring on vacation is a bad old habit. It is the material expression of fear. It is “should” that weighs me down. Sure I have stuff to do, but I also took the vacation to reinvigorate myself.

Next vacation, my goal is to pack even more mindfully—and try and keep the “should” out of my luggage.

Are you an ambivalent vacationer like me? If you’ve changed your ways, I’d love to hear how you did it.