For those of you who may think that flatulence is not funny or gross please STOP NOW and hit you back button or delete this out of you RSS feed. But for those of you who love a good fart joke, laugh at public flatulence, and never waste a chance to drop a bomb in the elevator before you exit like me, then read on and enjoy ...
Brian’s Fieldguide to Flatulence
Section 1: Magnitude
Farts are measured using Linton’s Flatulence Scale, or LFS. This scale ranges from a one, which is little to no odor, to a ten, which can result in loss of any house plants or animals, hair loss, blindness, instant nausea and vomiting, and mild to severe skin rashes.
Atomic—A fart that is silent and stealthy but extremely deadly. It usually ranges from a six or above on the LFS. Usually by the time it is detected, it is too late and the damage is done. Effects of this kind of fart are paint and varnish damage, artwork defacement including stone sculpture, and lawn damage. Damage to the body can be but not limited to hair loss and blindness. It is usually caused by the consumption of spicy Mexican food.
Nuclear—A fart that is usually accompanied by some amount of fallout. It can take the form and effect of the Atomic fart but is usually caused by the consumption of broccoli. It usually ranges on the LFS from a four to a seven.
Flamer—Although this fart is not technically on fire, the person experiencing it often thinks that it is caused by the excessive consumption of peppers and hot sauces and has been known to rocket the victim right out of the bathroom, out of the house on a few rare occasions. Those who experience flamers have reported later that even the softest toilet paper feels like thirty grit sandpaper afterward. The flamer is the most versatile on the LFS due to the fact that it can damage the person producing it as well as bystanders nearby and can range from one to ten in the LFS
Gigantafart—This type of fart is so voluminous that after the release, the clothing of the individual will in fact be much looser. This kind of fart usually will not range above a three on the LFS and is usually attributed to the over consumption of eggs and cheese.
The last category is purely theoretical and has never been witnessed by anyone who lived to tell about it—the dreaded Giganta Flaming Atomic Nuclear Fart. If this horrid event ever occurred, not only would it kill any living creature within a ten-foot radius, the building that it occurred in would have to be torn down and burned and any underground water systems would have to be extensively studied for the presence of contaminates.
Section 2: Noise
The noise that farts cause can be measured using a Fart Decibel System (FDS) that, like the LFS, falls within a range of one to ten. The rating of one would be given to and fart that results in a sound of a pin drop or less, and the designation of ten would be equivalent on a semi truck air horn. The following categories refer to strictly to the amount of noise produced by any particular fart and does not relate to it magnitude.
