Fieldguide to Flatulence

The Nervous Fart is only executable intentionally by farting masters, as it is normally a reaction to an unpleasant situation rather than something you can practice. You may have heard one of these at a kindergarten concert or during a company meeting where layoffs were mentioned. One of the characteristics of this fart is the high pitch at the end caused by the clamping of butt cheeks once it is heard by the nervous culprit. Usually falls within a range of three and five on the FDS.

The Cough-Fart Combo is a premeditated activity undertaken by one trying to mask his activities. This technique is often used in the presence of women; especially those who don’t understand that farts are funny. Warning: the Cough-Fart Combo can be a double edged sword, especially when your timing is a bit off, or the fart lasts longer than expected and usually falls below an eight on the FDS.

The Wet One (AKA the Sticky One) will score you huge points with the lads. Mostly because they’re hoping you just shit yourself. The wet one is often followed by an inspection of one’s underpants for soilage. The Wet One/Sticky One is funny for all but the perpetrator, and usually always results in the need for some clean up. This has the highest FDS range due to the fact that additional noise may come from the perpetrator and those around him.

The Power Fart is very standard and dry in nature but is, as mentioned earlier, pushed out with a bit more confidence. It is usually quite well respected if it is heard by unsuspecting passers by or blown in a church or quiet place. It is especially effective when used to punctuate the last word of a boring speaker’s lecture. This fart can range all the way up to ten on the FDS.

The Soprano is difficult to describe. It is quite high pitched in nature, and often times is associated with a tingling vibratory feeling in the crotch area. It can be used to significantly lengthen a ripper or standard fart if you are going for duration. Usually falls below five on the FDS, however

My personal favorite: the Ripper. It is strong, intense, and gives you a good deal of confidence that all have enjoyed or at least experienced it. It is not only loud, and with variable tones, but carries with it the higher chance within the Atomic category in magnitude. This one is ideally suited for a car journey, especially with child-lock electric windows.