Leo
Another month on Planet Earth begins: The scourge of terrorism still preys on the innocent, the rich are getting richer while the poor are getting poorer, pollution continues to ravage our atmosphere … and you’re furious because your Applebee’s Asian Chicken Salad doesn’t have enough chicken in it? It’s time to put your problems in perspective.
Virgo
You’re tired of the throwaways! You want the perfect man. And finally, like a glorious shooting star flashing across a full August moon, you’ll come across a breathtaking man—an Adonis so hot you’ll want to pour strawberry syrup all over his chest and spend an afternoon licking it off. Sadly, he has the intelligence of a two-year-old. Ah, but wait! You’ll meet another man: very smart, witty, and easy to talk to. Problem is, he’s got a face like a butt and butt like a wooden plank. What to do? You can only choose one. Well, some say brains can be beautiful, too. But have you ever tried to have sex with a brain? It’s not easy.
Libra
You’re an even-keeled diplomat. At home and work, you resolve conflict through fair compromise. But, your usually unflappable composure will be put to the test when your mother-in-law arrives in August. After a few minutes of examining your home with a disgusted look on her face, she’ll snicker and ask you, “Did a blind man design your house?” You’ll black out. When you wake up, your husband will be yelling, “Mom, please don’t go! She attacked you with a spoon and, yes, now she’s foaming at the mouth, but that’s just Marie being Marie!”
Scorpio
If people want to judge you, then let them. You’re different, and that’s better than being just like everyone else. You just keep doing what you’re doing and stop worrying about what others think. But, here’s a hint: If you would just shave your armpits and legs before you hit the beach, they’d stop judging you as “that dirty, hippy woman with shaggy pits and furry legs.”
Sagittarius
You say you’re adventurous, so go on an adventure! Explore a park in your neighborhood or take a fun weekend road trip with friends! It’s summer! A time to try new things! Don’t feel like leaving the house? You don’t have to go anywhere to go exploring! Go up to the attic and look through all those old pictures of you and your recent ex! You guys look so happy! What happened? It was your fault, wasn’t it? It’s okay, don’t go outside if you don’t want to. Stay in the house and gradually notice that every single item in every room reminds you of your life together. Hey, isn’t that the vase that had those beautiful roses he gave you on your four-year anniversary? Look, there’s the TV you guys bought together! And that show you guys both love is on! Wow, it’s your favorite episode, too! You should watch it now and remember the time when you and your ex watched it together and how perfectly happy you were before it all went to hell! You don’t need to go outside! Just stay in and let the memories wash over you for hours!
