Capricorn
Your favorite motto has always been “It’s better to be overly cautious than slightly dead.” So, you look both ways three times before making a turn at a four-way stop. And you have eight fire extinguishers strategically placed within equal distance of each other around the house. But, your guarded nature will be tested this month when your daughter’s motorcycle-riding, tattoo-sporting boyfriend shows up to take her to the movies. Your first instinct will be to tell him to go ruin another girl’s life and slam the front door right in the lad’s face. On second thought, you’ll invite him into your house and make some small talk. You’ll say that you hope the weather clears up for the weekend. He’ll say how he wants to open his own tattoo parlor after high school with money he’s saved from donating plasma. You’ll nonchalantly pick up the phone and say, “I’m calling the cops, so you’ve got about five minutes to get the hell out of my house.”
Aquarius
You’ve always been outspoken and opinionated. You say what you want, whether people like it or not. If it offends somebody, then so be it. In fact, that’s sometimes your goal, isn’t it? To stir up the pot? Hey, that’s just you being you. That’s why you wink at yourself in the mirror. Because you’re a special breed. And nobody’s saying you’re not. But maybe tone it down during a job interview this month. Interrupting your potential boss every minute or so with “Stop asking me the same stupid questions” won’t get you the job.
Pisces
This month is going to be brutal. The humid heat of summer will multiply stress and anger. Normal family conflicts will erupt into sweaty tirades. Doors will slam. Kids will scream. Your legs will stick to the leather couch, which will infuriate you even more. Cool things off with a drink called “The Chill,” otherwise known as an ice-cold quart of vodka with a straw.
Aries
There’s an emotional fissure between you and your mother. Maybe it’s her constant verbal abuse about your “inexcusably poor career choices” that has you drawing doodles of her falling into a pit of pythons. Or perhaps she’s just trying to help you in her ol’ motherly, tough love kind of way. After all, she always told you that the outside world could be cruel. Maybe that’s why she kept you locked in a cage until you were fifteen.
Taurus
I don’t want to get all planetary here, but there’s a haze of musty, toxic fumes hanging around Uranus. Yep, you got gas. Look, I know fiber is the new pink, but with the flax seed granola you had at breakfast, the deluxe three-bean salad you scarfed down at lunch, and the mixing bowl of cauliflower you gorged on at dinner, you shouldn’t be surprised if you have to release the valves every now and then. Also, don’t be surprised if you’re single during this “health nut” phase.
