It seemed silly this month to focus on the traditionally light October horoscope fare of crisp autumn air, changing foliage, and glowing jack-o-lanterns. With the election bearing down upon us, a financial crisis looming, and a general gloom hanging over the entire country, I decided to call upon some friends who have their fingers on the proverbial Washington pulse—and their astrological signs—to make this month’s predictions.
Libra
As told (in a heavy Russian accent) by Vladimir Putin (October 7), Prime Minster of Russia
Libra, you should have listened to babushka when she told you to mind your scales and make better decision. Now Presidential election is upon you and you can’t even make simple decision, like Ginger or Mary Ann, Popov or Smirnoff, or who shot JR—Kristin or Sue Ellen. (We just got Dallas in Russia … I very much like.) If I were as—how you say?—indecisive as you are, Russia would not be empire! And I would not have moved into home where I could see Sarah Palin from doorstep each morning! You disappoint me, comrade.
Scorpio
As told by Joe Biden (November 20), Senator (Delaware) and Democratic Vice Presidential candidate
Hey there, Scorpio! How ya’ doin’? Wow, you are one strong-willed person, not unlike my good friend and fellow Scorpio, Senator Hillary Clinton. I mean, Jesus, I thought my frickin’ nomination might never see the light of day thanks to her shenanigans …oh, damn, there I go again. Obama keeps telling me to keep it brief and not run on, but I just have so much to say … there’s so much inside me, ya know? I’m just a regular guy from Scranton, PA! And no, there’s not really a Dunder Mifflin in Scranton. But for the record, Obama-Biden supports paper! And loggers! And trees! Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being intense and strong-willed, but when it comes to sharing your opinions on the election with coworkers and friends, tread carefully. Maybe try being a little light for a change.
Sagittarius
As told by Henry Reid (December 2), Senate Majority Leader (Nevada)
As much as I abhor the Straight Talk Express nonsense that comes from Senator McCain’s mouth, I have to say, Sag: you need some Straight Talk. Some tough love. Something. Because you’re spending like one of the original Lehman Brothers right now, acting as if there will be no consequences for your greed and immediate gratification. But hear this! If you keep going at this rate, you’re going to need your own bailout. Reign it in, and for the love of blackjack, stay away from my home state. They’ve got your picture on file at the Golden Nugget, so your free Southern Comfort shots and shrimp cocktail days are over.
