We recently interviewed Janet Ruth Heller, author of the children's book "How The Moon Regained Her Shape" on the Manic Mommies podcast. The book is a beautiful children's story that helps parents and children deal with the subject of bullies and bullying. The author, the victim of bullying herself at the age of 5, is now a literature professor in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Prior to our interview, Heller shared her tips for dealing with bulliies and gave us permission to republish and share them with our listeners. "While children need to learn to cope with constructive criticism, occasional tactless remarks, and accidental touching, they often need adult help with frequent harassment, whether it is verbal or physical," Heller says. "Kids rarely have the social or physical skills to deal with persistent bullies."

Here is some advice for families whose kids get bullied, courtesy of Heller:

1) Make sure that communication lines are open.  Listen carefully to children when they complain about being taunted, threatened, pushed, or hit by other kids.  Don’t dismiss their grief with “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.”  Name-calling does hurt and can wound a child’s self-esteem for many years.   Bullying is dangerous to kids’ mental, emotional, and physical health.

2) Teach your children not to bully others by pointing out that everyone’s body is different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses.  We can also disagree with one another without resorting to name-calling or fights.  Discuss questions like these with your family.  Is anyone’s body perfect?  Do we have a right to make remarks that may hurt other people’s feelings?  How can we have friendly arguments?

3) Talk with children about different options for countering verbal or physical attacks without being mean or violent.  They can ask the bully to leave them alone and tell him or her that they are not interested in such comments, threats, etc.  They can tell a nearby adult, such as a neighbor, a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a school psychologist, or a principal.  They can ask their friends for advice. 

4) Point out to children that when someone insults them with cruel words, these words do not make the insult true.  Bullies often power-trip by trying to make others feel bad about themselves.  Children can thwart bullies by retaining their self-confidence and happiness with themselves.  Remind kids that they have friends and family members who like them and care about them and see them as good and nice people. 

5) Teach children that no matter how big, strong, or popular someone is, he or she does not have the right to hurt our bodies or our feelings.  All kids need and deserve respect. 

6) Help children understand that other kids may need them to stand up against a bully.  Kids need to find a way to prevent bullies from hurting anyone.  It is not tattling to tell an adult that a bully or a gang is planning to attack someone.  If one adult will not listen, children need to keep telling adults until someone assists them.

7) Urge children to tell you or other adults if they see kids carrying weapons, especially if the other children threaten to use these weapons.

8) If bullying occurs at school, talk with teachers or with the principal.  Encourage them to hold class workshops on bullying with trained social workers or psychologists.  Also, suggest that the school establish a no-tolerance policy for bullying to keep kids safe.  Many schools also have a “Bully Box” to allow students to report harassment without signing their names.

9) Consider giving your children basic training in self-defense.  There are many classes for young people in karate, judo, and other martial arts.  Such training can give children self-confidence and teach them how to block blows and frustrate attackers.

10) Dispel myths about bullies.  Bullies can be any size, any sex, any age, and any skin color.  We need to help children understand that bullying is not cool and that they have a right to counter bullies in any constructive way.

   
If your child has been the target of bullies, "How the Moon Regained Her Shape" is a wonderful story to read together. My 6-year-old asks for the story again and again.